Bittersweet Christmas

December 24, 2014 (original post here)

Happy/Merry Christmas! Well, it’s technically not Christmas yet, but it’s close enough. This month I haven’t been in the Christmas spirit. I absolutely love Christmas and it’s one of my favorite holidays, I mean right after Thanksgiving, I become so much happier and more cheerful/optimistic. However, this December just hasn’t been the same. 

During December I try to spend as much time with my close loved ones as possible. I focus on making sure that I continue to build a relationship with them and that I’m present when they need me. This year is different because I work a retail job and if you’ve ever worked a retail job in a busy tourist area, you know that there are no such things as holidays. I’ve spent so much of my time working that I haven’t been able to spend time with my close loved ones. While they’re at work, I’m at home and while they’re at home, I’m at work. It’s been wearing me down lately because I’m a home-body, so I enjoy spending time at home and I enjoy spending time with my family.

To add on top of it, my mom and sisters are going to visit my auntie and her family, while my dad and I stay back. Since they won’t be here, we haven’t bought a Christmas tree (we always buy a real one), we haven’t decorated the house, and we haven’t hung our stockings. There’s no sign of Christmas in our house except for the lights outside and my baby Christmas tree in my room. I also feel bad/sad that my dad will be spending majority of Christmas by himself. On Christmas, my sister and I usually bowl a tournament called the Main Event, and we spend about 5 hours in a bowling alley for the tournament. Some of you may think that that isn’t a way to spend Christmas, but for me and my sister we enjoy it because we’re doing something that we love and we also get to spend time together as a family. For me, that’s the main point, spending time together. Knowing that this Christmas will be one of the first times in a couple of years that we’re not spending together, makes me extremely sad and I feel guilty for having to work instead of spending time with my dad. They’re also not going to be here for New Years, which also makes me sad because my dad might have to work, and I might not have to.

It’s been a difficult month for me and a rough way to end the year, but I’m hoping that it will all work out. Every time I think about my dad having to spend Christmas alone I begin to cry because I know how much he loves Christmas. There were a couple of years, when we lived back in Hawaii, that my dad and I would travel to Las Vegas to bowl the Main Event, but for me, it was never about going to Vegas to have fun. I always thought about it as a business trip because I wanted to win scholarship money for the tournament. I just feel like now that I’m older and about to graduate and start an actual career, my time with my family (nuclear) is becoming limited. I know my boyfriend tries to help make me feel better, but honestly, I just need to spend time with my family to feel better.

This is going to be a rough day for me, so please, send me some positive vibes! It’ll be much appreciated.

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