Open Eyes

March 23, 2015 (original post here)

I don’t know if I ever posted on here about the little funk that I was going through. For the past 2 weeks I was having a difficult time being okay with a lot of things. I just wasn’t feeling like myself, I felt self-conscious, I thought that there was something wrong with me, and I thought that I was the reason why things weren’t going right. 

On my way home from my boyfriend’s place, I began to talk about what I thought was bothering me. I don’t want to stir up any type of controversy about religion or anything, so I’m just gonna say that I was talking to myself. As I talked to myself and as I began to reason my way through everything, I finally figured out what was wrong. I thought that I was doing something wrong that made me feel like I was being dead-weight in all my relationships.

I felt like I was beginning to self-destruct, in a way. I felt like I was being neglected and I was being forgotten about. The more I talked myself through it I realized that it wasn’t because of what anyone else was doing and it wasn’t because of what I was doing to myself. I was just feeling lonely.

Words can’t describe how much weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I figured it out. I finally knew what was bothering me and what had been making me feel not like myself. I guess there’s just something about finally realizing what’s going on that just makes everything click and you’re able to answer the question, “why?”

Now that I’m not really working and that school stuff is somewhat calm, my schedule is so open. On that drive home I started to wonder if my boyfriend had felt that way while I was working my semi-crazy hours; I mean it’s not like we hung out 24/7, but we were able to spend a decent amount of time with each other. Then I thought about it and realized that he had his friends here that he could text and ask to play a game, hang out, go out somewhere, etc. When it comes to me, I don’t really talk to a lot of people (extreme introvert) and my friend that I do have up here with me, I don’t really talk to because I’ve been busy and I just suck at staying in touch with people. My best friend since elementary school lives back home (Hawaii) so i’m not able to hang out with her. Sometimes texting and talking on the phone just can’t make up for the actual in-person contact. I know that when it comes down to it, it’s really my fault for not having friends, and sometimes I’m okay with it and other times I’m not.

I’ve always been a proactive person and I solely believe that I have the capability to form my life into anything that I want it to be. Creating friendships is a two-way street, and I know that, but I choose to stay introverted. That’s where social networking comes in. It allows me to feel like a part of something without actually having to worry about whether or not I have the same interests as the other person. As I got more into makeup, I didn’t really have anybody to talk to about it, so I turned to social media. I found a community of people that I knew loved/enjoyed makeup as much as I did. The same goes for my little “bowling world.” The more I got involved/passionate about bowling, I started to immerse myself into the bowling world and I had things I could talk to people about.

It’s been a couple of days since I had my big revelation and I’m feeling a lot better. I’m happier and I feel more free. It’s crazy to think how just realizing something and opening your eyes to something can change everything. Hopefully, I’ll be able to stay this positive for the rest of the semester!

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