[MY DIARY] Down The Rabbit Hole

Hi hi hi!

Welp one week of 2016 is done and I hope that you had a great week. Today I wanted to be 100% real and honest with you guys. Most of you know that lately I’ve been struggling with a lot of internal problems. I want to go a little more in depth with them in hopes that maybe it’ll help you or for you to know you are not alone.

In today’s world/society it’s so easy to feel alone even when we really aren’t. However, that doesn’t mean we are always honest with those we talk to. 

The transition to an office job has been difficult mainly because I feel like precious time is constantly escaping me only because I just feel like there is something more I can and should be doing.

I have my own dreams and goals I want to accomplish, but my fear of letting my loved ones down stops me from pursuing those dreams and goals. The more I push and suppress my wants the more I feel myself just slipping away. My whole mentality has changed and there is maybe only two people who know how frustrated and down I am. When I try to explain it to others they say things like: “I know how it feels, you just gotta stick to it,” “well, that’s the real world for you,” “at least you’ll learn things,” and my favorite, “just think how good it’ll look on your resume.”

I was brought with the mentality that I should never sacrifice my happiness for money, and if I work hard and get through college, I wouldn’t have to settle for a job. I still believe in those things, but I feel like I just wouldn’t have the support from my loved ones if I follow through.

Slowly, I’m slipping and the thoughts of ending it or seriously injuring myself seems so much better than having to wake up and deal with ONE aspect of my life that I can change.

I am so in love with every aspect of my life, except the working portion, and I am trying to not let that portion ruin everything else for me. I am trying to wake up everyday and put on the best mask I can, but I am slowly losing it on the inside. I am slowly breaking at the seams and I am honestly afraid to see what happens when I finally break.

Sunday’s are the most difficult for me. When I am sitting in church all I want to do is break down and cry my eyes out because I am trying to understand why I was brought to this point. I am trying to understand why I am feeling the way I am and why I can’t see a way out. I sit in church and every Sunday as my last hope to holding on to my faith because honestly, after a full week I am broken and ran down.

Sunday’s are also difficult for me because the next day I have to go back to the same routine. I can’t enjoy my day with my family because I am too distracted by the thought of having to go back to work. I become snappy and short-tempered around my family and at night, much like this night, I start going into this deep depression. I go to be hopping that I will somehow get sick in the middle of the night and have to go to the hospital the next morning just so I don’t have to go into work. I hope that something happens that I don’t have to go in. That is no way to live.

I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a temporary portion of my life. However, it get tougher each day. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of the future I want for me and my boyfriend and how much this is benefitting my family. My family needs this more than I do. I was more than okay with working as a sales associate, but that isn’t an acceptable job for someone with a college degree.

My case is not as bad as some others out there, but I just want you to know that I understand what it’s like to not be able to put into words how you feel and for others to not understand what you are going through. We just need to support each other and keep reminding each other that these situations are just temporary. Temporary situations shouldn’t result in long-term decisions. I learned in church today that these temporary situations, when not handled with care, can result in negative long-term consequences. We had a mom come in and she talked about her 14 years old son. She loved him so much and always posted on social media about their fun and antics. Until one day she got a call from a doctor regarding her son. He took his own life, not because of bullying or a mental illness, but because of a temporary situation.

Life is just too precious and too short to be wasted. We need to find the good to make up for the bad. My prayer is that we all find our path to the life we have envisioned for ourselves. I hope that the struggles that you are going through are only temporary and that you are able to find at least one person to confide in.

Everyday I feel myself slipping more and more down into my depression, but everyday, I feel the love and support of those closest to me trying to pull me out of it – I just need to build the courage and faith to finally pull myself out of it.

xoxo,

ciaociao808

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