This isn’t like my normal posts. Lately I’ve been trying to be as positive and upbeat as I can. Every morning I stand in front of the mirror and I try to name everything that I’m grateful for. However at the end of the day, I’m broken. I have scars and hairline fractures. I have pieces that are lost. I am not whole.
See, the truth about being broken is that you never are fully whole again. You are never really the same. Over time you just learn how to not look in the rearview mirror and continue your journey.
During some nights, in the darkest and loneliest of nights, you take a peak at that rearview mirror and you remember everything that you had gone through and once you’ve taken a look it’s difficult to keep your eyes focused on where you are going.
Like I said, I am a broken person. Things have happened to me that cause me to have sleepless nights and to question everything that I do. It causes me to fear the worst and think that worse of people. I am literally sitting here crying because of how afraid/worried I am.
I am a broken person with flaws. With hurts and pains that I never really told anyone how they affected me. Even when I am “okay” I know that past is still there. The things that I went through happened. I can’t deny it or pretend like they didn’t because to this very day it affects me. To this very day my first experience with “love” haunts me because I am constantly thinking that eventually someone better will come along. Eventually I won’t be “the one,” that eventually someone will take my place.
To this very day, the feeling of being that lonely/isolated third grader haunts me. I can still remember the stares I got when I tried to talk to the other kids. I can still remember how alone I was. I am constantly thinking that I am not one who is meant to have friends. I draw myself away from people because I’m afraid of what they think of me.
To this very day, the feeling of being a disappointment haunts me. I constantly think back to hearing all of my cousins doing these great things – getting first place in an art contest, being the best at their sport, getting a job first, etc. I always did things so my parents would have something to talk about, so that they didn’t feel like I was doing nothing with my life.
Tonight I am driving myself to my breaking point. I wish I had someone who I could talk to. I wish there was someone I could reach out to instead of being in my own little hell. I can feel the negative thoughts seeping in and corroding everything good I have.