Hi hi hi!
I hope you guys are doing well! First off, sorry for the very raw and almost whiny post the other day. Life is tough and sometimes you just need to vent. Today, I wanted to focus on something that is a little tough for me to explain, but is important for me to talk about, especially this far on my journey. **Note: I am not a professional. I am just simply sharing my journey and what I have been through and the things that have helped me along the way. By no means am I telling you that you must do what I say. Any type of weight loss program or lifestyle change should be discussed with your doctor or a healthcare professional!!**
As I type this (Tuesday afternoon) I had just finished scrolling through some of my Instagram stories. There is a woman that I follow and she had recently gotten a boob job, however, I remember her from her YouTube videos years back. The reason why it caught my attention (besides the great job the surgeon did, yes, I would consider getting the girls done) is because the confidence she exuded while she was trying on clothes for an upcoming festival. She had this confidence before, but this was more of a, “I’m going to conquer the world,” type of confidence. Then I thought to myself, “Will I ever get to that point?”I have been on this journey for about 4 months now and yes I see the changes not only in the mirror, but the way clothes fit me. Going shopping for clothes doesn’t make me uncomfortable or sad anymore, but when I stare into that mirror, I still see the fear that I saw for so many years and it was the fear of my own body. For so long I had known my body as my enemy and I still see it as my enemy. I struggle to find any beauty in it because for almost my entire life, all it every symbolized to me was the struggle. The struggle to feel comfortable with me friends, the struggle to love myself, the struggle to embrace my flaws. There were so many nights where I just cried over this body that I had. I was frustrated and upset with myself that I had done this to me.
This is where I developed this weird complex where everything had to be perfect — I had to be perfect to make up for my body not being perfect and this still affects me as grown adult. It’s tough for me to not be good at something. There are times where I stop myself from pursuing something because all I can think about is, “What if you fail? You’ll just be the fat girl that fails.” It’s harsh, but aren’t we our own toughest critics?Up to this point, I thought that I had dealt with all the demons in my closet. The reasons why so many diets had failed, why I had failed myself, etc., but I had never been this successful in the past. Now it’s like I’m dealing with a new era of demons, for some reason, I want to call them baby demons because they really did stem from the original demons that I had.
I want to know if any of you who have deal with weight loss has gone through this? Have you found happiness or pride in your new body? How do you deal with the negative thoughts? Let me know in the comments below!