Hi hi hi!
When I started this healthy lifestyle/weight loss journey, I was a little giddy on the inside thinking about the new clothes that I would be able to get. I kept thinking to myself that maybe wearing larges and XLs were a thing of the past and I was ready to move on. However, as I continue on this journey, I’m finding it more and more difficult to embrace the way my body is changing.
In a previous post, which you can read here, I talked about my struggle to love my body as I was growing up and how I needed to learn to love myself through the changes I’m experiencing now. Through this diet, my body is changing and I am seeing it and feeling it, however, I am having a tough time embracing it. I still want to hide in my shirts. I don’t want to accentuate anything that I have and I’m afraid to put money towards a new wardrobe when I don’t know if I will outgrow it.
My fears of the unknown and the hate that I have towards my body has put me in an odd place. As much as I want to embrace the new, I very much want to hide in the safety. I figured, if I continue to wear baggy clothes, nobody will be able to tell if I lost weight, so if I end up gaining weight, they won’t know. Then I won’t have to feel like such a failure.
However, I have to get to a point where I am comfortable with my body and learn to embrace it. I have been inspired by a lot of body positive YouTubers. I love watching their try-on videos and they are just feeling themselves and all their gloriousness and I want that for me! I want to be able to feel good about my body and not always worrying about the bumps and folds that may be showing.
Going clothes shopping and stepping into a fitting room was always so intimidating to me. Now, if it’s going shopping for a new jacket or sweater, or even yoga capris, I’m okay. It’s shopping for blouses, shirts, and dresses that always made me freak out a little. Usually, I would come out of a fitting room saying, “It didn’t fit.” I would leave the store feeling like there was something wrong with me even though I know that it wasn’t my fault. I learned a long time ago from What Not To Wear that you are never the problem, it’s the clothes, but when you are used to a lot of things not working out, you obviously feel like it’s your fault.
This past weekend, I went shopping with my mom and sisters. We needed to find white blouses (which I was successful with), but I was just so hesitant to go into the fitting room.
Above is a picture that I took this past weekend when I went shopping my mom and sisters. This is in the Kohl’s fitting room and I am trying on a top from Jennifer Lopez, which was on sale for only $10! Original was about $80 – what a steal. Anyhow, I’m wearing a size MEDIUM. Granted this is a blouse from the ladies department, I haven’t had to wear a medium anything in a really long time. Usually I am a large or XL, but I’m wearing a medium. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it wasn’t tight by any means, but I didn’t pick it up because the fit looked odd on my body. So I found it in an XL (below picture) which gave me a ton of room and fit a lot better in regards to the length.
Now that I’m thinking about it and writing this post – I really shouldn’t have bought it because it’s allowing me to fall back into my old habit of drowning myself in my clothes. Anyhow, I’m keeping it because I love the color and the print. It’s extremely flowy, but I think I could add a little shape to it by tying it in the back or doing something.
Anyhow, I guess you can expect to see me do these types of posts here and there. I think this will be the toughest journey that I go on because I’m going face-to-face with one of my demons, but I need to face it. It has held me back from so much, I can’t let it continue to take more of me. I need to learn to love me and that’s so tough. To love someone else is easy, but to love myself, that’s another challenge.
Thank you for taking the time to read this! If you have any tips in regards to styling a very boy-ish (straight) frame, please let me know!