Hi hi hi!
I have yet to do my yearly recap! Before we get too far into 2019, I wanted to sit down and take a moment to reflect on this past year.
2018 started off amazing! I started the keto diet and I was loving the results, the way I was feeling and everything in between. I was getting up early in the mornings to go to the gym and really sticking to my keto diet. The results were unbelievable and I was beginning to gain a little more self-confidence. Then, at the ending of April, I received a message from my mom that would change the trajectory of where 2018 was heading. My uncle took his own life. Dealing with the grief and guilt put almost everything on hold for me. I spiraled into one of my holes and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to claw myself out. During the entire month of May I had to put on a mask. I masked all emotions that I was feeling and pretended that I was happy and that I was healing. In reality, I struggled. I struggled to make it day to day and I worried that that little voice would come back.
See, I have struggled with my own suicidal thoughts. By no means was it as extreme as others, but There was a point in time where there wasn’t a day that would go by where I wouldn’t think about driving my car into a barrier or off an overpass. I worked through that and I’m so proud to say that that voice doesn’t appear as often as it once did, but I couldn’t help but be afraid. I was scared that I would lose my battle with this, just like my uncle. I was afraid that I would actually go through with it. I was afraid to sleep. I was afraid to drive. I was afraid to live. May was a very tough month for me and all I could think to myself at one point was, “Just Survive.” I clung onto every happy moment. I cherished every single smile I could muster. It was a dark and trying time and because of that, everything just kind of collapsed. Like I said, I was just surviving, whatever I could to make it through the day I did. I neglected myself and I honestly couldn’t even think about doing anything.
We, as a family, were finally able to get together in June to mourn and heal. There were a lot of tears, but also so many laughs and fond memories. It was comforting to be with my family and for us to have time away from everything to just heal and reflect. I thought that that would be it and I would be able to move on, but I still find myself thinking about that time a lot.
Towards that ending of the year, there was this renewed sense of purpose. When my Uncle passed away, I worked diligently on myself. With the help of my bullet journals, I pinpointed the moments that would bring me down and I was able to pinpoint some of the triggers for my mood swings. I realized that a lot of it came down to saying, “Yes,” to a lot of people, and telling myself, “No.” So, I decided to sit with myself on evening after Brian had gone to bed and really immerse myself into figuring out what I want out of this life and what my “ideal day” Writing it out and actually seeing it, made me only crave it more. So I took action. I told myself, “If you let faith guide you, there is nothing you won’t succeed in.” So that’s what I did. I launched my online store Aloha Planner Station in October and I have been loving every moment of being a business owner. To be able to own something and decide what gets put on and what doesn’t has been unbelievable and it has brought me so much joy. I have also found a new drive to get content posted on my YouTube channel and Instagram. Though, it’s not easy since I’m still working my 8-5, I’m loving the fact that I’m becoming a little more consistent with my YouTube channel and I am loving how productive I am.. I am busting my butt to my “Ideal Day” a reality.
Down The Aisle
In regards to wedding planning, we have yet to do much of it. I do have have plans to contact the coordinator again and touch-base, but other then that, I have yet to make decisions regarding color scheme, invitations, etc. Now that it’s a little over a year away, I really need to buckle down and get these things done. It’s also pushing me because I need to get back on the keto diet so I can meet my goal for the wedding dress.
I am truly excited for this coming year. I am anxious to see what it brings and I’m hoping that it will give me the opportunity to focus solely on my business. I hope my business grows and I hope that my skills as a creator grows. My hope is that I will be able to generate an income on all my social platforms so I can focus on continually growing them, while having the time to take care of my family. I know that there are a lot of steps that I need to take to get to that place, but I believe in my abilities and I truly believe that this is the path where my faith is taking me; however, there is something telling me I need to take a leap of faith and just do it….
My hope for you this year is bountiful blessings. Life doesn’t always go to plan, and it isn’t always filled with ups. There are a lot of downs, but you can’t live in those trenches. It’s fine to stay there for a bit, but you can’t live there. I hope that this year you find the confidence to pursue your dreams.