[Lifestyle] 3.5.2019 | The Struggle

Hi hi hi!

I really don’t know how to start this, but I have been struggling and I feel bad because I feel like every time I post something, I am always struggling. My blog is not only a place where I share my favorite finds and lifestyle, but it’s also where I come to vent and release. I guess you can say it has become my escape.

To sit here and say that things are going great would be a lie. There are some really great things that are happening on the horizon, but there are also some things that are causing me a great deal of stress. My health feels like it’s declining and my mental health feels like I’m teetering on the edge. I have been trying to contain the dark thoughts in its box (in my mind), but it feels like things constantly slip out.

Work has been overwhelming and I am basically done. I’m done caring about it because right now, I am struggling to make it there everyday. The unnecessary stress that it causes has impacted both my physical health and mental health. I AM ONLY 26 YEARS OLD – I SHOULD NOT BE DEALING WITH THIS!

adult alone anxious black and white
Photo by Kat Jayne on Pexels.com

I’m sure some of you who are older are looking at this and you’re rolling your eyes. Yes, I see you, and you may also be thinking, “Boo-hoo, here’s another millennial who wants to sit around and do nothing and earn an income.” I get it. I understand, but understand where I am coming from. I am 26 years old. Since I stepped foot on to a school campus, it has been non-stop for me. When I was in high school, I got a job to start saving for college and once I graduated high school, I went straight into college. There was no summer of fun for me. During college I was a full-time student and was a part of a sports team. During my last few semesters in college, arguably the most busiest, I worked part-time and was a part of a sports team along with being a full-time student. The only time I was home was to sleep and that was only for about 5-6 hours. I spent more time out of the house than I did in it. Right after I graduated, I got a full-time job. A few months later got my own car and a few months after that I moved out. I own my own condo and thanks to my family’s condo investment, my fiance and I are looking for a new house.

Not to mention in between all of that, I have been running this blog, my YouTube channel, the corresponding accounts to go along with those and I have started my own business. So I don’t want to hear anyone saying that I’m a nagging millennial who doesn’t want to work because I have been busting my butt since the day I started elementary school.

people coffee meeting team
Photo by Startup Stock Photos on Pexels.com

At this point in life, I am beyond exhausted and am running on fumes. While maintaining all of this, I am in the process of planning my wedding and at work, I will be getting trained to do someone else’s job while she’s on maternity leave. So lucky me, I get to do not only my job, but hers as well. I am frustrated and worn down. I am tired and I am fed up. Words can’t describe how frustrated I am with myself for forcing myself to stay in this position. Words can’t describe how upset that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of for three years. Words can’t describe how fed up I am with handling others people shit (apologies for the offensive language). I am just done.

This year, I had promised myself that I would learn how to be selfish. I promised myself that I would do a better job at looking at for myself and my health and I am letting myself down. By the time I realized that I was selling myself short, it was too late. I tried to apply for a few jobs before my co-worker went on maternity leave, but now, there’s just no time. She’ll be gone in a few weeks for her 6-8 week leave and I’ll be left here. I’m lucky that I do have another co-worker who is willing to assist, but that’s not enough.

design desk display eyewear
Photo by energepic.com on Pexels.com

I guess you can say I’m tired of waiting for my moment. I was hoping by now my shop would have taken off and I would be able to have a few orders coming in here and there. I was hoping that I would be able to start monetizing some of my videos again and I was hoping that this blog would have had more views. I don’t want to give this up because it’s all I ever dreamed about doing. Yes, even as a high schooler, I wanted to become an influencer. To be quite honest, maybe I’m just not good enough for it…

The past few months have been tough. I have been fighting, but I’m not sure if I’m actually winning the battle, or if I’m just trying to chip away at a mountain.

xoxo,

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